Why “Kick Him Out” Is the Wrong Advice for Struggling Young Adults
The real work of raising independent kids starts YEARS before you think (but it's not too late!)
Ab.so.lutely not.
I was horrified at the advice a fictional therapist gave a fictional couple about their boomerang son.
You do not tell a couple to kick their young adult son out of the house without first preparing him.
That’s like being annoyed with your kid for not knowing how to drive when you never taught them. Or getting mad that they can’t do their own laundry when you’ve always done it for them.
Which is precisely where the scene started: a load of dirty laundry sitting on the kitchen counter waiting for Mom to wash, dry, and fold it. Probably put it away, too.
One of our favorite bingey shows lately has been Shrinking on Apple TV+. It’s a sweet comedy about the intertwined lives of therapists trying to manage life.
The final season was recently released, and after watching the second episode, I practically ran to my laptop, ready to right the wrong I had just witnessed.
Before I climb onto my soapbox and explain why the fictional therapist gave some seriously poor advice, let me be very clear about my training in psychology.
I took exactly two courses in college, which does not a therapist make.
The advice Harrison Ford gave a Gen X couple about their young adult was realllllly bad. The concept (encourage independence) was good. The execution (“get out”) could be disastrous.
Here’s the setup:
A young adult moved back in with his midlife parents because he was struggling to keep a job. The parents talked about his difficulties and were genuinely trying to support him.
Since she’s not a client of mine—and I’m not a writer for the show—I’ll never know why the mom did his laundry or why the dad made him snacks as he lounged around playing video games.
My guess? They slipped back into the parenting roles they once held.
When we’ve spent decades doing the same tasks day in and day out, we rewire our brains and create habits.
Imagine exercising every day for 17 years. Those neural pathways would be difficult to change. For exercise, that’s great. For parenting? Not so much.
At some point, we have to start rewiring those pathways.
Aside from slipping into old patterns, the parents may also have felt guilty or responsible for their unmotivated child who lacked direction.
When senior therapist Dr. Rhoades (Harrison Ford) notices the coddling, he calls out the parents. And rightly so. That boy will not learn if his parents keep stepping in.
BUT his solution is the problem.
Kick him out.
Okay… no.
I absolutely agree that coddling kids will not help them in the long run. But if that’s the relationship built for 20+ years, pulling the plug will not magically create responsibility or drive.
The real problem wasn’t that the kid moved back home.
The real problem was that the runway for independence wasn’t built.
Which is why I always urge parents to start letting go sooner.
Middle school is often when kids naturally begin pulling away—and that’s the ideal time for parents to start doing the same.
Again, the advice to stop babying a grown-up is solid.
But jumping straight to kicking him out, without the tools and framework he should have been building over the past decade, could be disastrous—for him and for your relationship.
I’m all for failure. Ideally, though, it starts when they’re younger.
Slowly ramp up expectations and responsibilities before they’re on their own.
But if they do struggle launching and find themselves back in their childhood bedroom, it’s not too late.
Get clear on expectations:
What do you expect from them? And what do you expect from yourself?
Do they need to be up and out of the house by a certain time?
Will there be a curfew?
What about family dinners or food in general?
Is there an expectation of job applications or volunteer work?
Just like when kids were little, there needs to be clear rules that everyone follows.
My heart literally hurt hearing the dad tell the son—who seemed like a good kid—to move out.
Sure, he did it kindly. But it could have been handled better.
Instead of: “Hey son, you need to be responsible and move out.”
How about: “Hey son, we’re glad we can help you get back on your feet. But your mom and I have been living on our own for a while now, and the family dance has changed. If you want to live here, we need to sit down and create new house rules.”
Please know I’m speaking to myself as much as anyone.
It’s incredibly easy to fall back into roles we’ve held for years.
And if we’re being honest, it’s also incredibly hard not to be needed anymore.
Sometimes, doing their laundry becomes one of the only ways we still feel connected to them.
Suddenly, we’re no longer the center of their universe. The days of toddlers wobbling into the kitchen with outstretched arms are long gone.
The void that leaves can be real.
Knowing everything I know, I still struggle to keep my mouth zipped and my hands busy so I don’t accidentally do their dishes.
I’m still trying to ease them into learning more life skills, but it can creep up on you.
Many parents worry when their kids leave home that they didn’t teach them enough.
But if you focus on the basics, they’ll likely be fine.
Imagine they’re living in their first apartment. What skills would make them a good roommate or partner?
Personal hygiene, cleaning up after themselves, and sharing chores.
You can teach them about car maintenance and balancing a bank account later. Focus on what really matters first.
As humans, we default to the path of least resistance, even when we know the easier choice now will create problems later.
Think of it as the Ben & Jerry’s problem: short-term comfort wins over long-term benefit. It’s very hard to say no to a pint of Cherry Garcia after a rough day.
Parenting works the same way.
It’s faster to do the laundry ourselves. And who really wants to argue about undone chores?
Today, it feels easier for me to do all of the laundry. But I know a few years from now I’ll regret my choice.
Taking the time to show them how—even if it’s slow and painful—will pay off.
Hot laundry tip: help them create a simple system for putting clothes away while they’re little and still listen to you. Pajamas on this shelf. Socks in that drawer.
It pays dividends.
Help make their transition into adulthood smoother by training yourself to let them go earlier.
Two things that have helped me:
Stop offering help automatically.
When you hear them banging around the kitchen, leave it alone. If they lose their car keys, offer suggestions only if they ask. Do not start flipping couch cushions unless invited.Create a system for dividing household work.
I started with Fair Play and expanded it to make it easier for our family to use (read more here)
It was eye-opening to see how much work actually goes into running a household. Easily three times more than I thought.
But it also helped me release control.
As I implemented Eve Rodsky’s ideas, I realized what an opportunity this is to involve our kids in building their own ramp to adulthood.
I expanded the framework to include boundaries, a customizable responsibility spreadsheet, and practical tips for the whole family.
Every family is different.
Many of us are navigating neurodivergence or special needs. You know your child best.
So ask yourself…What else can they manage?
✅ Getting to school on time?
✅ Making their own doctor’s appointments?
✅ Cooking simple meals?
If we want to live a freer and lower-stress life, we have to start preparing our kids sooner rather than later.
Otherwise, you might find yourself sitting at the kitchen island, wondering if your 23-year-old will apply to any jobs this week.
If your kids are in high school, the clock is ticking. It’s time to set boundaries and raise expectations for life skills.
That’s where the habit begins.
Imagine the kitchen island becoming the family's gathering place again… instead of a staging area for unfolded laundry.
That’s it for this week, friends— next week we’ll pick back up our conversation on how to live a more fulfilling life on the other side of motherhood.
❤️
P.S. Failure to Launch is the “read it before you need it” book. Expert advice on what to do if your kid has trouble transitioning into adulthood. The tips given can be slowly implemented while your kids are young.