The Fight That Kept Me Up All Night

How "leading with feeling" can help us parent (and more)

TWO WEEKS AGO, I HAD A KNOCK-DOWN, DRAG-OUT FIGHT WITH MY TEEN. This happens every few weeks, and they’re the soul-crushing kind of arguments that leave you questioning everything.

Here’s what I learned—what I already knew but hadn’t quite realized I could apply to parenting.

The post-blowup guilt makes sleeping impossible. I turn alternate scenarios and comebacks over in my head like a bad movie, so I climb out of bed at the unholy hour of 3:47 a.m. to write in my journal.

And that’s when it clicked (I swear by journaling!)

I wasn’t troubled by the argument itself but by how my reactions made me feel.

Waking at 4 a.m. to ruminate wasn’t just my brain trying to workshop better responses for next time. It was a giant red flag from my nervous system, signaling that this was not the outcome we wanted.

What if, instead of reacting in the moment, I could pause and step into the conversation, already knowing exactly how I wanted to feel when it ended?

Leading with feeling is one of my favorite tools for shaping better days, but could it work for tough conversations?

For me, it’ll be hard. I can easily identify how I want to feel after a hard talk, but maintaining my cool in the moment? That’s a whole other hurdle.

But that’s where the magic of leading with feeling lives.

You decide how you want to feel (or how you don’t want to feel) and work backward.

👉 So let’s walk through how I’ll use this tool next time a difficult conversation is looming:

How do I want to feel when I climb into bed after an intense conversation with my teenager?

• Calm.

• Proud of how I handled myself.

• Like I did my best as their parent.

And what I don’t want lingering in my head after a fight?

• Anger.

• Shame.

• Guilt or worry.

• Like I failed.

What needs to happen for me to feel calm, proud, and guilt-free?

• Stay grounded and not react as much.

• Remember they’re a kid, not a rational adult.

• Detach from my assumptions and truly listen to their perspective.

• Control my physical reactions—my body language, facial expressions, and words.

• Realize teens push buttons on purpose—don’t take it personally.

• Remember, I was once an angry, confused teen, too (minus social media messing with my brain).

• Breathe.

• Remind myself we’re on the same team.

• Accept that parenting happens in drips and drops, not firehoses.

• Stop the conversation when it starts getting heated, not after it explodes.

Once you have a game plan, ask yourself: Do I feel capable of doing these things?

For me, the answer is no… not fully.

It’s clear I need to learn more about having difficult conversations without being reactive. I also need better strategies to regulate my nervous system when I start to spiral.

So I found a couple of audiobooks on the Libby app (magical library app here) to help me figure this out.

I’ll also made a cheat sheet I can read before engaging to help me stay focused and grounded.

Just last night, I got to put my theory to the test, and it worked for the most part. I still have some room to grow, but I slept quite well and will continue to refine my “how do I want to feel” strategy.

The takeaway: Leading with feeling can be used across all areas of life.

Feel like you’re on your phone too much? Ask yourself how it really makes you feel (dig deep), then ask how you want to feel about your screen time at the end of the day.

Feeling off about a relationship (friend, spouse, anyone)? Same process. How does it make you feel now? How do you want to feel instead?

And sometimes, it’s not about how you want to feel—it’s about how you don’t want to feel.

Feel guilty for not walking your dog? Work backward and ask yourself what needs to happen to minimize the guilt.

I really hope this tool helps—because raising kids while raising ourselves is no joke. And we need all the strategies we can get to lighten the load.

Also, before you go, if you’re interested in learning more about losing the menopause weight, I need your help finding a time to do a substack LIVE — it will be a free live call, but the replay will be for subscribers only.

Can you help me choose a good time for the LIVE?

THANK YOU! 🥰