What It Really Feels Like When Your Kid Stops Needing You
It was always the plan, but it’s still a surprise to realize your child hasn’t left you as much as they’ve built a life without you
Last week, I found myself driving 9+ hours from the Bay Area to San Diego.
At first I dreaded the long silence, but once I realized it meant half a day of Dean Martin, Blink 182, and Amy Poehler, I began to look forward to it. Slow semis and charging station weirdos included.
For the past two years, I’ve made several solo trips to drop off or pick up my oldest at college. It’s not always ideal, but when my girl would rather drive than fly, I take the trip. Not because I’m catering to her needs, but rather to mine. Free time one way and the other filled with her music (Laufey and Hozier) and podcasts (Broski Nation)
I need to be with her as much as possible because my time with her has shifted quite a bit since freshman drop-off nearly three years ago.
And when I say shift, what I really mean is it dropped off a cliff.
It started with her bedroom door being closed for longer periods, then fewer family dinners together, and eventually, weekends were spent almost entirely with her friends.
But she was still there.
Sounds of her knocking around in her room, dishes magically appearing in the sink overnight, and multiple cabinets left open because, apparently, teens don’t know about hinges. If I didn’t know better, I’d think we had a supernatural roommate.
The pull for independence was expected. The summer before she started 6th grade, I devoured Middle School Makeover—the gateway book to educating myself on how to parent teens and ultimately release them into the wild. Learning about the why behind their changing behavior was fascinating.
Michelle Icard’s book taught me about adolescence, brain development, and the need to release control. And, as I’ve learned years later, it’s not just for them.
I’m not saying that watching your baby grow up, pull away, and no longer need you is easy. When I really think about it, a lot of pain and grief come up. I have so many vivid memories of her as a toddler. The way she’d bust into a room, demanding I immediately look at a dead bug she found in her closet. Or how, as a tween, she’d curl up next to me to listen to me read The Prisoner of Azkaban.
These bittersweet memories are accompanied by a knowing that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
She’s one year away from graduating from college and starting her life fully outside of me, and I’ve been thinking about the transformation we’re going through.
Even if she winds up moving back home to save money, or maybe take some time off, our relationship will never be what it once was. No matter how often we get to stand shoulder to shoulder, slicing tomatoes or chopping peppers while laughing about the last TikTok trend she shared.
This thought was crystallized shortly after I checked into my hotel.
I always get a room with two beds so she can stay with me. We have a tradition of ordering take-out and watching Netflix, and I was really looking forward to snuggling up on one of the beds with my laptop balanced on a stack of pillows.
She had other plans.
We went to dinner, but she said she’d rather stay at her place so she could go to the gym and get coffee with her roommate in the morning.
I suggested plans for the next day, and she asked if we could meet early for a quick lunch and a little shopping because she was going out with her friends that night.
This was not at all what I was expecting.
After I dropped her off, I called my guy, who was completely confused.
“Wait, I thought she wanted you to come down early?”
She had. And I was really looking forward to having her show the latest coffee shop for studying or a new taqueria they discovered on one of their many outings. It’s always so fun to experience her in her element. It reminds me of back-to-school night when I got to go to each of her classes, sit in a small desk, and imagine what her elementary days were like.
And that’s when I realized what was happening.
She didn’t ask me to come down because she wanted to stay in the hotel and sink back into our old routines. She wanted us to hang out like she’d hang out with a friend.
She didn’t need me to build an itinerary. She wanted my company. I can’t imagine a more beautiful evolution to the mother-child relationship.
There was a whole life she had built down there, and she liked it. Asking me down early was an invitation to be a part of it, and I’m grateful, if not honored, because I know not every relationship develops like this.
So much has changed since the summer before freshman drop-off.
Over the years, I’ve been sharing the realities of this motherhood-emotional-rollercoaster, and in a way, it feels like I haven’t said enough. Transitioning into parenting a young adult is a major milestone that’s truly difficult to describe. Maybe that’s why more women don’t talk about it?
For me, this new relationship I have with my young adult is a really lovely place to land temporarily—we don’t know what’s going to happen next. All I know is that the only thing I truly have control over is me.
What kind of on-call mom do I want to be?
What does my new relationship with my first baby now look like?
Writing about it brings up a range of emotions, but I’m trying to focus on the excitement I have for her future and the wide openness of mine. But one thing I know for sure is that I love my kids and, at the same time, I’m really looking forward to finding myself again.
This is a monumental transition for us, and I really wish more people talked about it. So I’m hoping that whatever you’re feeling, you’re bringing it up with your friends, your partner, and maybe even a therapist (because let’s be real. This is not easy).
Whatever you do, don’t hold things in. Work through your feelings.
Think about how you want your relationship with your kid to be, and always keep in mind who you want to become and what kind of person you want to be. It’s going to shape your relationship with your growing kids, but it’ll also give you a direction to travel and, hopefully, someone you aspire to be.
Before you go, I would really appreciate it if you could head over to YouTube and subscribe to my new channel. I’ll be uploading videos as soon as I get over my imposter syndrome. I’ve been threatening to start a channel for YEARS. I know it’s the ideal space to expand on everything that we’re talking about here.
I adore you. Thank you for being here. ❤️
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