Hobbies Won’t Save You From An Empty Nest

The real reason the transition feels harder than expected and how we can find fulfillment on the other side of motherhood.

Every few months, I do a quick search to see what tips the experts have for women entering their empty nest era. Crossing fingers there’s a new thought or vision for us.

I don’t know which is worse. The fact that nothing really changed or that I’m never surprised by the results.

While the advice is getting slightly more relevant (finally suggesting we take time to grieve), overall, it still comes down to this: fill your time and reinvent yourself. Which misses the weight of what we actually experience.

I get it. On the surface, this sounds reasonable, but it’s also incomplete.

First, we are absolutely different women on the other side of motherhood—practically unrecognizable from who we were before.

It’s not just that time has passed. It’s those years we spent loving, sacrificing, worrying, and carrying responsibilities that have fundamentally changed us.

We have undergone a major metamorphosis, and “redefine yourself” feels far too small for what the transition to “on-call mom” really asks of us.

And beyond becoming a different person, we are also being gradually phased out of a full-time role that has dictated our daily lives for decades. How we think, act, and feel.

So no, it’s not merely about identity. It’s also about purpose.

Here’s what I see: there’s a connection between empty nest moms and retirement.

When people retire, they often experience the same questions and fears:

Who am I now?
How will I spend my days?
Do I still have value?

But for moms, those questions are layered with something deeper. We aren’t just hanging up our work hats. We’re loosening our grip on a decades-long role that is rooted in emotion. It can’t be compared to a typical job. You can love your work and adore your coworkers, but motherhood is intertwined with purpose, routine, and relationships.

And that is why the usual advice can feel so hollow.

We’re told the answer is to reinvent yourself, find some hobbies, and stay busy.

It’s not that those suggestions aren’t wrong, but on their own, they can feel like a pat on the head.

Here’s what I want you to burn in your brain: hobbies will not save us.

They may distract us for a while, but they can’t answer the deeper question of What gives my life meaning beyond motherhood?

Interestingly, retirement experts understand this well. They talk about purpose, fulfillment, contribution, identity, and meaning.

Maybe it’s because it’s been studied more than motherhood, retirement research repeatedly suggests that a successful transition depends less on staying busy and more on maintaining a sense of purpose.

That’s the conversation I’ve been trying to have with women transitioning into an empty nest.

In a way, we’re retiring too. Not from motherhood itself, but from hands-on mothering.

Because when your youngest enters high school, that shift begins. You’re slowly being released from the constant demands: chauffeur, chef, and general cruise director who has to predict everyone’s needs.

But many of us aren’t taking advantage of this multi-year phase-out because no one really told us about it.

Empty nest is still framed as a moment in time. As recently as 2024, it was defined as “decades of dedicated parenting to the abrupt withdrawal from such activities.”

Abrupt withdrawal? No. Not even close. Did they even talk to moms?

While researchers and psychologists seem to recognize the need for a retirement transition, they don’t seem to recognize that parents have a built-in on-ramp to an empty nest.

And this is where hobbies can play an important role, but not as they’ve been sold to us. Not to “keep busy,” but get us closer to our next thing… a passion, or even another purpose.

So ask yourself, what am I curious about? What fascinates me?

Experiment with different hobbies and see what connects. That connection can bring you closer to fulfillment and begin to ease the fear or worry about the future.

The goal isn’t immediate fulfillment. The goal is the pursuit of new meaning. Otherwise, we drift—existing rather than really living.

We likely have another 30 years ahead of us. How do you want to feel?

P.S. My YouTube channel is live! Please come visit me there for extended conversations about midlife, motherhood and what we’re doing next.

So far, I’ve got videos about preventing boomerang kids, solving the invisible labor problem at home, and the stage of motherhood no one warned you about.

I’m open to suggestions, too. What do you want to learn more about or explore in more depth? Leave a comment or reply with your thoughts. 🥰

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