Here's How Hobbies Actually Can Help You Ease Into Your Empty Nest Era
When done right, hobbies can help bridge the gap between feeling lost and feeling connected.
Last month, I started an adult hip hop class, something I’ve been threatening to do for over eight years now.
The class was held in a converted warehouse with flashing purple lights, graffiti-ed walls, and the most random grouping of adults. It was not what I was expecting.
Actually, that’s not quite accurate. The classes are pretty much what I envisioned, but the overall outcome falls short.
I signed up as part of my search for new experiences, and since I desperately miss dancing in my 20s, this felt like the closest thing to wedging my way into a packed dance floor with my girls, shouting over the music, trying not to spill our drinks.
But this class isn’t what I was looking for. It has the lights, music, and people, but something is missing.
Working from home is, at times, a lonely practice. I love the commute and flexible hours, but my coworkers are elderly dogs that aren’t big on gossip.
I’m missing a third place, actually, a second place. My entire life is located within a ¼ acre, and sometimes the whole day can go by without anyone actually speaking to me (my teen insisting we get Chipotle for dinner doesn’t count).
It’s no wonder I chatter like a firehose when my husband sits down at the kitchen island. Hey, babe, what shall we talk about first? The history of gerrymandering, or how Microsoft is undervalued?
When the kids were little, living in my bubble was great. It was the plan. But now that our oldest is creating her life in another part of the state and our youngest is wildly independent and nearly done with high school, my mom’s role has dwindled. They’ve figured out how to apply for internships and airfry sweet potatoes on their own, and I’m needed less and less (again, this was always the plan, but it still stings).
5 years ago, I had a realization about motherhood. We go through stages just like our kids do. Full-Time, Part-Time, and On-Call mom (read more about them here). Identifying these stages helped me deal with the moment I was in as much as help me anticipate what’s coming.
I’ve been preparing for what’s next for some time now, and I assumed naming it would make this final transition easy. It didn’t.
I’m solidly in the Empty Nest Slow burn I’ve talked about before (read it here), and for the most part, I’m satisfied with how I spend my days. My mornings are finally unfolding at whatever pace I choose. Easing into the day with coffee and sudoku, before I hit the gym. Eventually, I’ll plant myself in my home office until it’s time to start thinking about dinner.
Without the outside pressure to be somewhere or do something, I have no real schedule anymore. I can finally breathe, but spending the majority of my time alone feels like the pendulum has swung too far. Somedays, I long for the business and chaos of constantly being needed. I miss how neither of my kids walked softly—thundering from room to room like they’re late for an important meeting.
This is a new revelation, by the way. 6 months ago, it was different. Something shifted. Now I feel a pull, if not a push, toward community.
I didn’t realize how strongly I craved connection until I walked into the first hip-hop class.
Yesterday, I was half-listening to a podcast with Stacey Sims, when she said a key way for us to survive the transition into menopause is to find community—it was like a record scratch.
What did she just say? Immediately replayed it to confirm. And yes, she said community would help with menopause. And after thinking about it for exactly 3 seconds, I agreed. Of course, it can help.
Years ago, I read The Good Life, a book about the longest-running study on well-being and happiness. Starting in 1939, Harvard studied multiple generations to find out what makes for a good life.
The answer might surprise you. It’s so simple.
It’s not about a big bank account or how many grandkids you have.
It all comes down to relationships, but not the superficial kind. Deep connections with friends, family, and community. We’re not talking about coffee shop catch-ups, but real conversations that cut through the veneer and get to the heart of what’s happening. Ask meaningful questions and dig beyond the surface.
You don’t need a large circle of friends. Just two or three people who make you feel safe enough to be yourself.
Here’s the thing, I knew this mattered. I talk about the importance of meaningful friendships all the time. But when Stacey Sims said they can help with the transition into menopause, it became clear that I was forward-thinking: “Build relationships now so you’re happy later.” I completely underestimated how they can impact our lives today. And if they can help with menopause, they can help with all of our midlife transitions. From dealing with aging parents to health issues to the downsift I’m experiencing.
If community is the answer, it helps explain why my dance class doesn’t feel like the winning ticket.
I’m not sure where my people are, but I do know I’m on the right path because this is how hobbies can help. You can let them drive you there, but know that they’re not the final destination.
Now that I have a new perspective, I’m going to go back to what I learned while creating the Passions and Purpose course. Because now I see how that process can help me find more than my next thing… it has the potential to help me find my next good friend. The work is the same, but now I have added an incentive to try even more things (learn a language or try my hand at painting)
If you’re feeling this, too, you’re not alone. I talk to a lot of women who also feel adrift, even if it seems like everything’s going as planned.
Also, if you don’t have a solid group of friends, it’s not too late. Look at the people in your life. Is there anyone you wish you knew better? Does anyone have a quality you value in a friend? Start with them. It might not work, and that’s totally okay. I’ve been ghosted by more than one “could be” friend. It’s part of the process.
Or if you want to bolster existing friendships, try Waffle Wednesday (read about it here), and I swear by it. My girl, Michelle, is in another state, and I can honestly say exchanging voice memos weekly has brought us closer than we were when she lived 2 hours away. I find myself laughing in the kitchen as I listen to her describe her day in great detail. Nothing is out of bounds because it all matters, which is what makes it such a bonding experience. This is one of my favorite friendship tools.
As far as the dance class goes, I’ll continue going, not only to learn something new, but there’s always a chance one of my people will walk through the door (eventually).
P.S. If you want to join me on my connection-and-curiosity quest but don’t know where to start, check out my Passion & Purpose mini course. I walk you through the framework that will get you closer to a passion, and possibly a purpose. And as we’ve just learned, it might just help you find community.